Horrible Apple and Almond cake

Welcome to the first recipe of my new section; ‘The miscakes I’ve made’. Who doesn’t love a good pun? Who doesn’t love a good apple and ground almond cake? This, unfortunately, is neither a pun nor a good apple and almond cake. Despite the alarming fat and sugar content this cake tastes like you might be eating something healthy.

So, I write of this recipe to warn you from it.

Don’t make it. But instead be wary of similar recipes and steer clear. Here is the original recipe. Avoid it.

On a separate note I went for a walk with the two boys and the two dogs and managed to have a nap in the afternoon so I’m feeling like I’m winning this day.

I also went to Paris last weekend. Those folk make miniature dessert things remarkably well. I only tried three actual, proper dessert ones; a chocolate and coffee opera cake, a funny double chocolate mousse one with a white chocolate flourish and finally a retina-burning, almost electric green and hot pink rhubarb and strawberry mousse. Well played Paris.

Back to the crap cake.

Oven temperature 180 Celsius

Eating apples          2

Juice of 1/2 lemon

Muscavado sugar    150g

Eggs                             4

Ground almonds      160g

Line a 20cm round tin with parchment. Forgotten how to? Don’t worry, click here.

Peel and roughly dice the apples. Throw them into a little pan. Add in the juice and sugar and place the pan on a medium high heat.


Let it cook away for a few minutes until the apples start to soften.

Remove from the heat and squish gently with a fork. Leave to cool a little while you wonder why you’re making a cake that can only disappoint.


In a big mixing bowl beat the eggs and almonds together and then add in the cooled apple mix and beat till everything is well combined.

Pour the batter into the prepared tin and bake in the oven for longer than it deserves about 40mins in total.


Remove from the oven and cry a little.

Leave to cool completely and wash this unpleasantness back with a cup of tea.




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